Have you ever just felt lost? No choice seems obvious, no direction clear. Well, I'm there. I feel like that State Farm commercial that gives a scenario and then the person standing on the red dot says, "I'm there." There is a huge red dot beneath my feet. My whole life, I have lived for what's next. Let me explain. When I was say, 14, I lived to turn 15 so I could get my learner's permit. Well, that finally rolled around and guess what? 15 wasn't good enough, I wanted to be 16. And it continues. The usual milestones. Well, I am there again. College graduation. Perhaps the most frightening obstacle I have encountered thus far. School has been my life since kindergarten, planned out from January to December. Now what? Of course, I know that everything will work out. I'll look for a job and pray for the best. It's just the idea that beyond May 9th, there is no plan. I am a little OCD when it comes to having a plan. Not so much when it's little things like what I'm doing for the weekend or something so trivial. But big plans... like what to do after May 9th. I always have a plan...and then a back up plan..just in case. I guess you could I say I like a certain amount of control. This is an area that I have got to learn to give to God. Really. It is probably the number one reason my relationship with God suffers so much. I freak out when I can't be in control. Riding in a car when I am not driving, freaks me out. To most, I may not be the best driver, but it isn't about that. It's about me being in control of me. God has a hard time dealing with people like me. He knows what's best for me, but I feel like I do too. There is a Casting Crowns song the adquately describes where I'm at. It's that place where you lay something down at the altar, and before you leave the sanctuary, what you thought you left behind, is clinging to your back. I'm there.
Jesus I'm trying so hard
to stop trying so hard
Just let you be who you are
Lord who You are in me, Oh Lord I...
Cry....
like so many times before
but my eyes are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try...(I'll try)
but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door.
--Casting Crowns
