Lost, State Farm Commercial, I'm there.

Have you ever just felt lost? No choice seems obvious, no direction clear. Well, I'm there. I feel like that State Farm commercial that gives a scenario and then the person standing on the red dot says, "I'm there." There is a huge red dot beneath my feet. My whole life, I have lived for what's next. Let me explain. When I was say, 14, I lived to turn 15 so I could get my learner's permit. Well, that finally rolled around and guess what? 15 wasn't good enough, I wanted to be 16. And it continues. The usual milestones. Well, I am there again. College graduation. Perhaps the most frightening obstacle I have encountered thus far. School has been my life since kindergarten, planned out from January to December. Now what? Of course, I know that everything will work out. I'll look for a job and pray for the best. It's just the idea that beyond May 9th, there is no plan. I am a little OCD when it comes to having a plan. Not so much when it's little things like what I'm doing for the weekend or something so trivial. But big plans... like what to do after May 9th. I always have a plan...and then a back up plan..just in case. I guess you could I say I like a certain amount of control. This is an area that I have got to learn to give to God. Really. It is probably the number one reason my relationship with God suffers so much. I freak out when I can't be in control. Riding in a car when I am not driving, freaks me out. To most, I may not be the best driver, but it isn't about that. It's about me being in control of me. God has a hard time dealing with people like me. He knows what's best for me, but I feel like I do too. There is a Casting Crowns song the adquately describes where I'm at. It's that place where you lay something down at the altar, and before you leave the sanctuary, what you thought you left behind, is clinging to your back. I'm there.

Jesus I'm trying so hard
to stop trying so hard
Just let you be who you are
Lord who You are in me, Oh Lord I...

Cry....
like so many times before
but my eyes are dry before I leave the floor
Oh Lord I try...(I'll try)
but this time Jesus how can I be sure
I would not lose my follow through
between the altar and the door.
--Casting Crowns

Happy New Year

The holidays were incredibly busy. Lots of food, lots of time with family, and lots of running to make sure we were able to see everyone. I got a Canon Rebel XSI and have taken a ton of pictures. I will put them up soon. Joe and I are doing well and looking forward to the year ahead. I start student teaching at Cook Middle on January 12th. I am excited and nervous and shocked that this is my final semester. I am relieved and a bit "lost." School has been my "career" since kindergarten and to know that it is winding down is almost surreal. I hope to have a real impact on the lives of the students in my classroom this upcoming semester. I had a four week apprenticeship in October that allowed me to get to know the teacher and students I will be working with beginning on Monday. I have already learned that teaching can be a heartbreaking job. So many lives are in your hands, but not all of them can be reached. They tell us that--over and over. It is one of the hardest things for me to understand. I have to learn to compartmentalize--something I have never been good at. I have always wanted to change the world--as corny as that sounds. It is one of the reasons I chose to become a teacher. I want to inspire students. I want to help turn indifference into interest and ignorance into awareness. I want students to understand that they really do have the power to make a difference. Everyday.

Two of my favorite quotes are below:

“The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires.”
William Arthur Ward

“I've come to the frightening conclusion that I am the decisive element in the classroom. It's my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher, I possess a tremendous power to make a child's life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations, it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated and a child humanized or de-humanized.”
Dr. Ginott

So, here's to a new year where much is bound to change. I am excited to see what God has in store for our family.

Christmas Time

I love Christmas. But, for the past several years, it has been one of mixed emotions and bittersweet memories. I am so thankful for my family and being able to spend time with them. I am also painfully aware of those that have gone to be with the Lord and left a gaping hole in my heart. I miss them all year long, think of them everyday, but the holidays heighten my memories and how much I miss the people I loved with all my heart. I especially miss my Nana. This is our second Christmas without her and it is just not the same. She was one of my best friends. Time is just an illusion that tricks you into believing that your heart is actually healing. I think time only dulls the ache, and can only do so for as long as you let it. When I don't dwell on what I have lost, I am OK. Anytime I think of it though, the emotions are as raw and upsetting as they have ever been. I wish that I could hug her, tell her I love her, wish her a Merry Christmas one more year. But I can't. So, I will enjoy this Christmas season and honor her memory. I will talk about her, laugh about the good times, shed a few tears, and realize how much richer my life is because she was apart of it.

Wishing everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. And for all of those missing someone this year, may God bring you a peace that transcends all others, that you can be thankful for just having known those who are no longer here and see the difference they made in your life.

Movies: From A to Z

As I was glancing through other blogs, I found a post where you list favorite movies for each letter of the alphabet. I thought I would give it a try.

Across the Universe
Breakfast at Tiffany's/Beyond the Gates
Casablanca/Chronicles of Narnia/Crash
Deja Vu
Erin Brockavich
Finding Neverland/Fried Green Tomatoes/Freedom Writers
Great Debaters, The/Green Mile, The
How the Grinch Stole Christmas/Holiday, The
In the Land of Women/Interpreter, The
Juno/Jane Austen Book Club, The
Kingdom, The
Life as a House/Little Miss Sunshine
Mr. Hobbs takes a Vacation
Notebook, The
Other Sister, The
P.S. I Love You
Queen, The
Ron Clark Story, The/Remember the Titans
Steel Magnolias
To Kill a Mockingbird
Under the Tuscan Sun
Varsity Blues
When Harry Met Sally
X-Men
You've Got Mail
Z....